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SHEARS ON FIRE

PUBLISHED: 11:05 05 November 2007 | UPDATED: 08:54 21 July 2010

LAS VEGAS - SEPTEMBER 09:  Singer Britney Spears performs onstage during the MTV Video Music Awards at The Palms Hotel and Casino on September 9, 2007 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

LAS VEGAS - SEPTEMBER 09: Singer Britney Spears performs onstage during the MTV Video Music Awards at The Palms Hotel and Casino on September 9, 2007 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

2007 Getty Images

SINGLE mother Britney is just one of the many people whose lives have been devastated by the fires blazing through California...

SINGLE mother Britney is just one of the many people whose lives have been devastated by the fires blazing through California.

With the flames lapping at her small, single swimming pool, $4 million house in the hills, the plucky mum of Preston, three, and Clethorpes, 18 months, risked her own safety to rescue the boys she had forgotten were in the custody of their father, former dancer and rap artist, Fed Ex.

She got so close to the flames her hair was completely burned off, as apparently were her undercrackers.

Britney, 26, has been left with nothing but a car (one careful owner, small dent passenger side), the 22-bedroomed Louisiana mansion, New York penthouse apartment, ranch in Wyoming...and barely 200 designer outifts (not including pants) to manage on.

But President George "Burning" Bush Jr has come to the rescue by telling the victims of the fires that tomorrow is going to be better. So that's OK then.

You can help Britney today by buying her latest album, Hot Stuffed. Ring TOXIC 00009 now and pledge as much as you can.

Meanwhile, the Catholic church has strenuously denied that the fires were started by the late Pope, John Paul George and Ringo II in an effort to alert Californians through the medium of eternal flame to the dangers of smoking in picnic areas.

NATURAL PARENTAL INSTINCT

KIDS grow up so fast today. My 11-year old daughter has just decided she's so over McFly (it seems like just last week that she was referring to drummer Harry Judd as her future husband - come to think of it, I think it was just last week).

And don't even start me on my 16-year-old stepdaughter.

There are so many dangers and traps out there that I tend to think didn't exist when I was their age, but if I'm honest, they did, albeit to maybe a lesser extent.

Yet, my generation had far more freedom than our kids do because we've seen the world change first-hand.

A new report is suggesting that we over-protect our kids to the extent that they're ill equipped to deal with matters when in adulthood they will need to protect themselves. As parents, we're apparently so preoccupied with them either staying safe or not falling into the same holes that we did, we're preventing them from learning how to cope alone.

I used to say to my eldest son that I made mistakes so that he didn't have to, but I've come to recognise that he has to make mistakes so that he can learn by them. He taught me that, but standing back and allowing that to happen has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And I know I have to go through it all again in a few years with his younger brother.

As for the girls... well if I had things my way I'd keep them in the house until they were at least 30.

I look at my kids and I want them to savour their childhood because apart from beer and sex being an adult really sucks.

SHAPE OF THINGS

Evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry, of the London School of Economics, claims that in the next 1,000 years the human race will evolve and men will all be between 6ft and 7ft tall with deeper voices and bigger penises.

That's no good to me, is it? I can't wait that long.

He also claims that the human race will peak in the year 3000 before dividing into two distinct sub-species, one tall, handsome and intelligent, the other squat, "dim-witted" and seriously p****d off at drawing the evolutionary short straw I should imagine.

Still, at least we know there won't be any shortage of traffic wardens.

BARE BASICS

TRAVELODGE employees are being given advice on how to deal with naked sleepwalkers after 400 cases of guests found wandering around in the night in their birthday suits in the past year.

And strangely enough they were all men.

The advice includes keeping a supply of towels in reception to help preserve a guest's dignity.

The guy's trying to check out at 4am with his tackle dangling. What dignity?

I'm a bit confused. Why has it taken six months for an artist's image of some faceless bloke carrying a child wearing Madeleine McCann's pyjamas to be released?

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