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STOP WHINGEING AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN

PUBLISHED: 14:18 11 May 2008 | UPDATED: 08:55 21 July 2010

LONDON, ENGLAND - JUNE 30: People attend the Annual Gay Pride march held in central London on June 30, 2007 in London, England. (Photo by Mark Wieland/Getty Images)

LONDON, ENGLAND - JUNE 30: People attend the Annual Gay Pride march held in central London on June 30, 2007 in London, England. (Photo by Mark Wieland/Getty Images)

2007 Getty Images

Actor Alan Cumming, the ever-so-slightly camp Scots star of films such as Golden Eye, Spy Kids and X-Men 2, has blamed the media s attitude towards homosexuality for scaring off gay actors from coming out. Well it didn t stop you, did it, pal?...

Actor Alan Cumming, the ever-so-slightly camp Scots star of films such as Golden Eye, Spy Kids and X-Men 2, has blamed the media's attitude towards homosexuality for scaring off gay actors from coming out.

Well it didn't stop you, did it, pal?

My views on equality for all are well documented by now, but that philosophy also means I don't back off if I think someone is talking out of their arse (what is it with bottoms this week?).

I'm fed up with certain groups using their supposed minority status as a trump card for when things don't quite go their way - you didn't get the job because you're gay; the press would have a field day if they knew you were gay; you couldn't score that many goals in a season if the crowd knew you were gay.

Has it never occured to these people that maybe they didn't get a job simply because they were not the strongest candidate? Disappointing, yes, but hardly an excuse to throw a hissy fit and fire off scattergun accusations of homophobia.

Straight actors often take on gay roles and vice vers, so shut up and put up.

Then, predictably, Stonewall, a group that bends over backwards to perceive anti-gay prejudice in everything, has to pitch in about how badly gay people are portrayed in the media.

Well sorry to disappoint you, but unless you've been putting yourself forward as some sort of testosterone-charged serial deflowerer of nubile virgins when behind closed doors, you like nothing better than listening to songs from the shows and reading Woman's Own, we really don't give a toss, so don't flatter yourself.

Why should anyone declare their sexual preference, let alone use it as a petulant pink flag civil rights campaign?

BLAINE IN THE ARSE

I HAVE a question. It's a question some of you out there may already be asking.

My question is: What is the point of David Blaine?

Not content with living in a box in London (nothing unusual there, you might say), standing on a 100-foot pole for days on end, being encased in ice and buried in a coffin, he has now gone on to The Oprah Winfrey Show and held his breath for 17 minutes and four seconds.

Why?? A bad case of hiccups?

Anyone who would actually want to hold their breath for 17 minutes has way too much time on their hands, if you ask me.

And, let's face it, apart from the gasping for air going blue in the face bit, the other 16 minutes 55 seconds of that would hardly make riveting TV viewing.

And for his next trick, David Blaine will disappear up his own rectum.

GIVE PEAS A CHANCE

In 1969, 16-year old student Gail Renard sneaked into a bedroom at the Queen Elizabeth Hotel in Montreal where John Lennon and Yoko Ono were staging their honeymoon bed-in.

After blagging an interview for her university paper, she formed a lasting friendship with the couple and witnessed history in the making as they recorded Give Peace A Chance from their bed.

Gail, now a comedy writer, was given a number of mementoes by Lennon at the time, including a scrap of paper he had written on which he said she should hold on to because it would be worth something some day.

Some day is now because those scribbled lyrics to his peace anthem go under the hammer at the beginning of July and will almost certainly fetch a small fortune. But I would never want to part with that.

There. No mention of bums at all.

OWN GOAL

A small piece of advice for Brazilian and AC Milan legend Ronaldo: The size of the hands and the Adam's apple are usually a dead giveaway.

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