Last week British football was turned on its head and everything that is destroying our national game came to the fore...

Last week British football was turned on its head and everything that is destroying our national game came to the fore.

British football clubs have become the expensive playthings of billionaire businessmen who think their money buys them the right to pick the team.

This has resulted in a shift in authority from the manager, yet it's the manager who still has to take the rap (and get the sack) when the results don't go right.

Could you imagine Bill Nicholson, Bill Shankly, Matt Busby or Ron Greenwood putting up with that rubbish?

And they were paid a lot less than today's bosses, one of whom admitted he was on the golf course while his club was becoming the richest in the league and breaking the British transfer record.

Football used to be the beautiful game. Now it's just Subbuteo with Monopoly money.

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LADIES, I'm about to say three words that will make your hearts flutter while leaving this writer more than a little bilious.

New research suggests...

Now how often have I said that in this column? Too many times. And this particular piece of enlightenment from under-graduates with way too much time on their hands is especially hard to take.

Because girls, it seems you were right all along and when things go wrong in a relationship it is, as it turns out, all our fault.

Marital woes can be attributed to men's genetic make-up, according to a study by a bunch of Swedes linking a common male gene to relationship problems.

This from the country with the highest suicide rate in the world.

The gene in question controls the production of a molecule receptor for vasopressin, a hormone that is found in most mammals. The same gene has previously been linked to monogamous behaviour in male voles.

That's right - voles.

Well voles don't have to deal with demands for the lawn to be cut while the football's on or can't possibly wait for in-depth discussions about commitment just as things are getting intense on the Wii, do they?

And don't even start me on the past stresses of marriage when you're a musician.

But the news that some of us are just not genetically cut out for monogamy is softened somewhat by another report, this time from Hungary, which claims women choose men who look like their fathers.

That's all sorts of wrong.

Although other aspects come into play in time, at least a man's initial criteria is simple - do I fancy you and will you?

But as we now know - it's in our jeans, sorry...genes.


At age 3 success is ... not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is ... having friends.

At age 17 success is ... having a driver's licence.

At age 35 success is ... having money.

At age 50 success is ... having money.

At age 70 success is ... having a driver's licence.

At age 75 success is ... having friends.

At age 80 success is ... not peeing in your pants.

I was doing alright up to 17, then it sort of fell apart.

With a bit of luck maybe I won't make it to 80.


THE Metro Hotel in Woking claims a receptionist's refusal to accommodate a serviceman under its "no military personnel" policy was "a mistake".

As usual getting found out is the mistake and now they are being asked to answer to the armed forces minister himself.


Just as the festival season comes to a close the Royal National Institute for the Deaf has decided to warn people that loud music can damage your hearing.

So can stabbing yourself in the head with a knitting needle!

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